This is who I am.

There I was alone in a gym, listening to music, and trying to run away from my own thoughts. As I kept running, kept shooting, kept breathing..my mind gave up and I broke down. I never knew what depression was or how deeply it could engulf someone’s psyche but At that moment, I could understand why some people just can’t seem to take the pain any longer. It’s not because they are weak, it’s not because they are a coward. People that choose to end their life from depression are very strong but the human brain can only take so much. Not able to sleep, not able to eat, not able to do anything. If it weren’t for the people I have around me I don’t know as if I ever could have withstood the pain, the depression, or the loneliness. But thanks to everyone around me I slowly became stronger, I became a new person with a new perspective on life and this is me. This is who I am.

I am weird. I am shy. I am awkward. I am probably everything the regular human being doesn’t want to be. I have always been one to stay in the shadows, to keep my thoughts to myself, but one thing I have always wanted to be is real. I am not real because I hide things from people and I pretend to be something I’m not. This isn’t always a bad thing, because there are some things that you probably shouldn’t tell people because it will not have any sort of beneficial outcome but what I have learned in these past 6 months is that life is too short to be fake, to be something that you aren’t and for me the biggest thing I’m not real about is religion.

What I’m about to come out and say is not the demons speaking, it is not Satan coming over me and putting these things in my head. These are my thoughts and these are things I have struggled with my entire life. I was raised in a Mormon household and grew up around Mormon friends and it is something that I can always remember being a part of me. But I have never felt comfortable in this atmosphere, I have always felt out of place. This is not me coming out as anti-Mormon but it is me saying I can’t believe everything the Mormon religion preaches. While there is a lot of good that comes from it, It is just not for me. I have never felt comfortable in a church atmosphere and I believe that if you are truly a good person God is not going to punish you for not being a religious person. I believe that if we are good people, and take advantage of the opportunities to help and serve others whenever we can then the world will be a better place and it will eventually pay off in the end.

I guess the reason why I’m doing this is to tell mostly my friends, my family, and the people that are closest to me that I am not this golden Mormon boy that everyone thinks I may be. Of course people know that I am not perfect but I want people to know me for who I really am, not for something I am not. I am not Mormon, I am me. I believe in God and I believe in Jesus Christ but I am tired of living in a way to make other people happy. The only reason I went to church, got married in the temple, and pretended to be someone I am not was because it made the people around me happy. In these past 6 months I have learned that you can’t do things for the sake of other people’s happiness over your own happiness because it will turn you down a very dark and lonely path.

So from this point forward, I am a new person, I want to be real and not care about what others may or may not think of me. I want to be happy for myself and have people love me for who I really am. I know for a lot of people that know me this is going to be very hard to hear and they are going to think, “ohh my gosh, we have to save him, he is really struggling” and while I am going through a struggle in life right now it is not because I am not following Mormon teachings. I’m not being punished by God or being hunted down by Satan. We all have struggles in life wether we are atheist, devil worshippers, or saints and it is how we respond that truly makes us who we are. Some people respond by praying to God, by reading scriptures, by doing religious things, but that is not me and that is not who I am.

My mind and my way of thinking are too simple to think and have all of these complex rules and teachings. I am here to make people laugh, to help them smile more often, to leave a positive impact on the world, and lastly to have fun doing it all. If I can do that, then in the end I will be happy with the time I put in on earth. My goal of this post was not to anger anyone or make anyone sad, but rather to inform my friends, my family, and the people around me that I have changed a lot in the past 6 months and it has been a good change. I am stronger mentally, physically, and spiritually and I am continuing to improve myself everyday.

I encourage everyone to be their best self and to be real with everyone around you. Life is too short to be fake and hide in the shadows. Take control of your life and be the commander of your own happiness.

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The Disconnect

A brisk breeze hits my skin like a locomotive train

My heart is here but my mind feels all the pain

Smile, and think everything’s okay,

When in reality it’s driving me insane.

My mind is on a different sphere

It’s not with my heart, cause my heart is here.

My heart feels the fear but my mind knows the end is near.

They are disconnected in reality

But are aware of each other in the highest degree

With me being the heart and you being the mind,

How can we reconnect and continue the ride.

Take it one day at a time

And maybe in the end

I’ll finish the rhyme

But until then,

I’ll search for my mind

And continue this grind.

Where the Wild Things Are

What is this life?

What are we doing here?

Life’s too short to live in embarrassment and fear.

But how can I live when I feel like I’m not here.

Take it one day at a time, see the sun rise

Let out the emotions, let out the cries

Look to the sky, and see life’s surprise.

Spread your wings, close your eyes, and float to the skies.

This earth, this life, is nothing without you.

Unique and new, the endless opportunity to renew.

But why float away when you can improve.

Take a deep breath, feel the feels, feel the heals.

Jump in the car, and find where the wild things are.

Look to the Sky, look for the Hope

Sometimes I feel like climbing to the top of a mountain
Looking down, letting go, and falling to the bottom
Thinking about the good times, the bad times, and all the times in between
Feeling the pain as I fall further and further out of the scene.
Closer to the bottom, I keep falling further and further with no murmur,
But before I take that step towards a never ending fall
I remember the people, the places, and the sum of it all.

This is no joke, this is no game, if you choose to end it, there goes the flame.
Life is a blessing, life is a gift, life is here to do anything with
Everything you work for, everything you lose, it doesn’t matter when you tighten the noose.
Look to the sky and live for tomorrow, because the sun may shine and burrow that sorrow.
Hope is always there, even if you don’t see it, look to the sky and believe in it.

The Lost Ship

The heart feels lost without another,

The mind struggles to cope with the other,

The soul lost without a way

And the body is just the ship that carries the array.

When one is lost, the entire ship goes down,

The heart, the mind, and soul begin to drown.

In the distance, is another ship

Without missing a beat, it thinks and feels

It sees the other ship but ceases to stop the wheels.

The ship continues sink, the heart continues to beat,

The ship comes closer to the bottom, the mind searches for the problem.

The ship hits the ocean floor, and the soul loses control.

The body stuck at the bottom with no help, is stuck until another hears the yelp.

A rescue ship hears the radio, and searches deep below.

The heart, the mind, and the soul are finally found

The body surfaces and is brought to steady ground,

But still without another, the heart, the mind, and the soul are not heard.

Darkness and Light

On the horizon, the mountains rise as the sun falls,

The darkness takes over, as the light gives way.

The nighthawks come out to play, as the prey dwell in their hide away.

One after another the hawks leave their perch, and for the weak they search.

In the dark, the weak panic and hide, while the strong hold their ground and search for light.

One after another the weak fall and succumb to the hawks, while the strong gather in their flocks.

The darkness now oh so strong, conquers the weak but can not penetrate the strong.

For light conquers all, everything big and small.

No need to panic and hide

Keep your head up and search for light.

Because the nighthawks cannot conquer that which is bright.

The Machine

The world fills our minds                

 Covers our eyes,                                            

And makes us blind.               
Blind from the good,                                    

Blind from the evil,                                     

Blind from the blood,                                     

That started this upheaval.

An upheaval of our freedom and time,  

With this worldly nature                              

We have all fell behind.
As a lamb, a newborn child,                           

So innocent and clean,                              

Runs for the wild.                                       

But soon is met by the machine.
The machine that is devious in its ways.       

Finds every boy and girl                                  

And locks them in the cage.                          

The lamb not knowing any better,           

Turns around, looks all around,           

“Nowhere to go….I’ll just stay here.”