There I was alone in a gym, listening to music, and trying to run away from my own thoughts. As I kept running, kept shooting, kept breathing..my mind gave up and I broke down. I never knew what depression was or how deeply it could engulf someone’s psyche but At that moment, I could understand why some people just can’t seem to take the pain any longer. It’s not because they are weak, it’s not because they are a coward. People that choose to end their life from depression are very strong but the human brain can only take so much. Not able to sleep, not able to eat, not able to do anything. If it weren’t for the people I have around me I don’t know as if I ever could have withstood the pain, the depression, or the loneliness. But thanks to everyone around me I slowly became stronger, I became a new person with a new perspective on life and this is me. This is who I am.
I am weird. I am shy. I am awkward. I am probably everything the regular human being doesn’t want to be. I have always been one to stay in the shadows, to keep my thoughts to myself, but one thing I have always wanted to be is real. I am not real because I hide things from people and I pretend to be something I’m not. This isn’t always a bad thing, because there are some things that you probably shouldn’t tell people because it will not have any sort of beneficial outcome but what I have learned in these past 6 months is that life is too short to be fake, to be something that you aren’t and for me the biggest thing I’m not real about is religion.
What I’m about to come out and say is not the demons speaking, it is not Satan coming over me and putting these things in my head. These are my thoughts and these are things I have struggled with my entire life. I was raised in a Mormon household and grew up around Mormon friends and it is something that I can always remember being a part of me. But I have never felt comfortable in this atmosphere, I have always felt out of place. This is not me coming out as anti-Mormon but it is me saying I can’t believe everything the Mormon religion preaches. While there is a lot of good that comes from it, It is just not for me. I have never felt comfortable in a church atmosphere and I believe that if you are truly a good person God is not going to punish you for not being a religious person. I believe that if we are good people, and take advantage of the opportunities to help and serve others whenever we can then the world will be a better place and it will eventually pay off in the end.
I guess the reason why I’m doing this is to tell mostly my friends, my family, and the people that are closest to me that I am not this golden Mormon boy that everyone thinks I may be. Of course people know that I am not perfect but I want people to know me for who I really am, not for something I am not. I am not Mormon, I am me. I believe in God and I believe in Jesus Christ but I am tired of living in a way to make other people happy. The only reason I went to church, got married in the temple, and pretended to be someone I am not was because it made the people around me happy. In these past 6 months I have learned that you can’t do things for the sake of other people’s happiness over your own happiness because it will turn you down a very dark and lonely path.
So from this point forward, I am a new person, I want to be real and not care about what others may or may not think of me. I want to be happy for myself and have people love me for who I really am. I know for a lot of people that know me this is going to be very hard to hear and they are going to think, “ohh my gosh, we have to save him, he is really struggling” and while I am going through a struggle in life right now it is not because I am not following Mormon teachings. I’m not being punished by God or being hunted down by Satan. We all have struggles in life wether we are atheist, devil worshippers, or saints and it is how we respond that truly makes us who we are. Some people respond by praying to God, by reading scriptures, by doing religious things, but that is not me and that is not who I am.
My mind and my way of thinking are too simple to think and have all of these complex rules and teachings. I am here to make people laugh, to help them smile more often, to leave a positive impact on the world, and lastly to have fun doing it all. If I can do that, then in the end I will be happy with the time I put in on earth. My goal of this post was not to anger anyone or make anyone sad, but rather to inform my friends, my family, and the people around me that I have changed a lot in the past 6 months and it has been a good change. I am stronger mentally, physically, and spiritually and I am continuing to improve myself everyday.
I encourage everyone to be their best self and to be real with everyone around you. Life is too short to be fake and hide in the shadows. Take control of your life and be the commander of your own happiness.